Volpone and Other Plays Read online

  FACE: O, fear not him. While there dies one a week

  O’ the plague, he’s safe from thinking toward London.

  Beside, he’s busy at his hop–yards now –

  I had a letter from him. If he do,

  He’ll send such word, for airing o’ the house,

  As you shall have sufficient time to quit it.

  Though we break up a fortnight, ’t is no matter.

  SUBTLE: Who is it, Dol?

  DOL COMMON: A fine young quodling.

  FACE: O,

  190 My lawyer’s clerk, I lighted on last night,

  In Holborn, at the Dagger. He would have

  (I told you of him) a familiar,

  To rifle with at horses, and win cups.

  DOL COMMON: O, let him in.

  SUBTLE: Stay. Who shall do ’t?

  FACE: Get you

  Your robes on; I will meet him, as going out.

  DOL COMMON: And what shall I do?

  FACE: Not be seen; away!

  [Exit DOL COMMON.]

  Seem you very reserved.

  SUBTLE: Enough.

  [Exit.]

  FACE [shouting as he goes to the door]: God b’ w’ you, sir!

  I pray you, let him know that I was here:

  His name is Dapper. I would gladly have stayed, but –

  I, ii [DAPPER (off–stage):] Captain, I am here.

  FACE: Who’s that? – He’s come, I think, Doctor.

  [FACE admits DAPPER.]

  Good faith, sir, I was going away.

  DAPPER: In truth,

  I’ m very sorry, Captain.

  FACE: But I thought

  Sure I should meet you.

  DAPPER: Ay, I’ m very glad.

  I had a scurvy writ or two to make,

  And I had lent my watch last night to one

  That dines today at the shrieve’s, and so was robbed

  Of my pass-time.

  [Re-enter SUBTLE in his Doctor’s cap and gown.]

  Is this the cunning-man?

  FACE: This is his worship.

  DAPPER: Is he a Doctor?

  FACE: Yes.

  DAPPER: And ha’ you broke with him, Captain?

  FACE: Ay.

  10 DAPPER: And how?

  FACE: Faith, he does make the matter, sir, so dainty,

  I know not what to say.

  DAPPER: Not so, good Captain.

  FACE: Would I were fairly rid on ’t, believe me.

  DAPPER: Nay, now you grieve me, sir. Why should you wish so?

  I dare assure you, I’ll not be ungrateful.

  FACE: I cannot think you will, sir. But the law

  Is such a thing – and then he says, Read’s matter

  Falling so lately –

  DAPPER: Read? he was an ass,

  And dealt, sir, with a fool

  FACE: It was a clerk, sir.

  DAPPER: A clerk!

  20 FACE: Nay, hear me, sir. You know the law

  Better, I think –

  DAPPER: I should, sir, and the danger

  You know, I showed the statute to you.

  FACE: You did so.

  DAPPER: And will I tell then! By this hand of flesh, Would it might never write good court-hand more, If I discover. What do you think of me, That I am a chiaus?

  FACE: What’s that?

  DAPPER: The Turk was here.

  As one would say, do you think I am a Turk?

  FACE: I’ll tell the Doctor so.

  DAPPER: Do, good sweet Captain.

  FACE: Come, noble Doctor, pray thee, let’s prevail;

  30 This is the gentleman, and he is no chiaus.

  SUBTLE: Captain, I have returned you all my answer.

  I would do much, sir, for your love – But this

  I neither may, nor can.

  FACE: Tut, do not say so.

  You deal now with a noble fellow, Doctor,

  One that will thank you richly; and he’s no chiaus.

  Let that, sir, move you.

  SUBTLE: Pray you, forbear –

  FACE: He has

  Four angels here.

  SUBTLE: You do me wrong, good sir.

  FACE: Doctor, wherein? To tempt you with these spirits?

  SUBTLE: To tempt my art and love, sir, to my peril.

  40 ‘Fore heav’ n, I scarce can think you are my friend,

  That so would draw me to apparent danger.

  FACE: I draw you! A horse draw you, and a halter,

  You, and your flies together -

  DAPPER: Nay, good Captain.

  FACE: That know no difference of men.

  SUBTLE: Good words, sir.

  FACE: Good deeds, sir, Doctor Dogs’ -meat. ’Slight, I bring you

  No cheating Clim-o’ -the-Cloughs or Claribels,

  That look as big as five-and-fifty, and flush;

  And spit out secrets like hot custard -

  DAPPER: captain!

  FACE: Nor any melancholic under-scribe,

  50 Shall tell the vicar; but a special gentle,

  That is the heir to forty marks a year,

  Consorts with the small poets of the time,

  Is the sole hope of his old grandmother;

  That knows the law, and writes you six fair hands,

  Is a fine clerk, and has his ciph’ring perfect;

  Will take his oath o’ the Greek Xenophon,

  If need be, in his pocket; and can court

  His mistress out of Ovid.

  DAPPER: Nay, dear Captain -

  FACE: Did you not tell me so?

  DAPPER: Yes, but I’ d ha’ you

  60 Use Master Doctor with some more respect.

  FACE: Hang him, proud stag, with his broad velvet head! -

  But for your sake, I’ d choke ere I would change

  An article of breath with such a puck-fist! -

  Come, let’s be gone. [Going.]

  SUBTLE: Pray you, le’ me speak with you.

  DAPPER: His worship calls you, Captain.

  FACE: I am sorry

  I e’ er embarked myself in such a business.

  DAPPER: Nay, good sir; he did call you.

  FACE: Will he take then?

  SUBTLE: First, hear me –

  FACE: Not a syllable, ’ less you take.

  SUBTLE: Pray ye, sir -

  FACE: Upon no terms but an assumpsit.

  SUBTLE: Your humour must be law.

  He takes the money.

  70 FACE: Why now, sir, talk.

  Now I dare hear you with mine honour. Speak.

  So may this gentleman too.

  SUBTLE: Why, sir -

  DAPPER: ‘Fore Heav’n, you do not apprehend the loss you do yourself in this.

  FACE: Wherein? for what?

  SUBTLE: Marry, to be so importunate for one

  That, when he has it, will undo you all:

  He’ll win up all the money i’ the town.

  FACE: How!

  SUBTLE: Yes, and blow up gamester after gamester,

  As they do crackers in a puppet-play.

  80 If I do give him a familiar,

  Give you him all you play for; never set him,

  For he will have it.

  FACE: You’ re mistaken, Doctor.

  Why, he does ask one but for cups and horses,

  A rifling fly; none o’ your great familiars.

  DAPPER: Yes, Captain, I would have it for all games.

  SUBTLE: I told you so.

  FACE [TO DAPPER]: ’Slight, that’s a new business!

  I understood you, a tame bird, to fly

  Twice in a term, or so, on Friday nights,

  When you had left the office, for a nag

  90 Of forty or fifty shillings.

  DAPPER: Ay, ’tis true, sir;

  But I do think now I shall leave the law,

  And therefore -

  FACE: Why, this changes quite the case!

  D’ you think that I dare move him?

  DAPPER: If you please, sir;
/>
  All’s one to him, I see.

  FACE: What! for that money?

  I cannot with my conscience; nor should you

  Make the request, methinks.

  DAPPER: No, sir, I mean

  To add consideration.

  FACE: Why, then, sir,

  I’ll try. [Goes to SUBTLE] Say that it were for all games,

  Doctor?

  SUBTLE: I say then, not a mouth shall eat for him

  100 At any ordinary, but o’ the score,

  That is a gaming mouth, conceive me.

  FACE: Indeed!

  SUBTLE: He’ll draw you all the treasure of the realm,

  If it be set him.

  FACE: Speak you this from art?

  SUBTLE: Ay, sir, and reason too, the ground of art.

  He’s o’ the only best complexion,

  The Queen of Faery loves.

  FACE: What! Is he?

  SUBTLE: Peace.

  He’ll overhear you. Sir, should she but see him -

  FACE: What?

  SUBTLE: Do not you tell him.

  FACE: Will he win at cards too’?

  SUBTLE: The spirits of dead holland, living Isaac,

  110 You’ d swear, were in him; such a vigorous luck

  As cannot be resisted. ’Slight, he’ll put

  Six o’ your gallants to a cloak, indeed.

  FACE: A strange success, that some man shall be born to!

  SUBTLE: He hears you, man -

  DAPPER:Sir, I’ll not be ingrateful.

  FACE: Faith, I have a confidence in his good nature:

  You hear, he says he will not be ingrateful.

  SUBTLE: Why, as you please; my venture follows yours.

  FACE: Troth, do it, Doctor; think him trusty, and make him.

  120 He may make us both happy in an hour;

  Win some five thousand pound, and send us two on’t.

  DAPPER: Believe it, and I will, sir.

  FACE: And you shall, sir.

  FACE takes him aside.

  You have heard all?

  DAPPER: No, what was’t? Nothing, I, sir.

  FACE: Nothing?

  DAPPER: A little, sir.

  FACE: Well, a rare star

  Reigned at your birth.

  DAPPER: At mine, sir! No.

  FACE: The Doctor

  Swears that you are -

  SUBTLE: Nay, Captain, you’ll tell all now.

  FACE: Allied to the Queen of Faery.

  DAPPER: Who! That I am?

  Believe it, no such matter -

  FACE: Yes, and that

  You were born with a caul o’ your head.

  DAPPER: Who says so?

  FACE: Come,

  You know it well enough, though you dissemble it.

  130 DAPPER: I’ fac, I do not; you are mistaken.

  FACE: How!

  Swear by your fac? And in a thing so known

  Unto the Doctor? How shall we, sir, trust you

  I’ the other matter? Can we ever think,

  When you have won five or six thousand pound,

  You’ll send us shares in ’t, by this rate?

  DAPPER: By Jove, sir,

  I’ll win ten thousand pound, and send you half.

  I’ fac’s no oath.

  SUBTLE: No, no, he did but jest.

  FACE: Go to. Go thank the Doctor. He’s your friend,

  To take it so.

  DAPPER: I thank his worship.

  FACE: So!-

  140 Another angel!

  DAPPER: Must I?

  FACE: Must you! ’Slight,

  What else is thanks? Will you be trivial? -

  [DAPPER gives him the money.]

  Doctor,

  When must he come for his familiar?

  DAPPER: Shall I not ha’ it with me?

  SUBTLE: O, good sir!

  There must a world of ceremonies pass;

  You must be bathed and fumigated first;

  Besides, the Queen of Faery does not rise

  Till it be noon.

  FACE: Not if she danced tonight.

  SUBTLE: And she must bless it.

  FACE: Did you never see

  Her Royal Grace yet?

  DAPPER: Whom?

  FACE: Your aunt of Faery?

  150 SUBTLE: Not since she kissed him in the cradle, Captain;

  I can resolve you that.

  FACE: Well, see her Grace,

  Whate’ er it cost you, for a thing that I know!

  It will be somewhat hard to compass; but

  However, see her. You are made, believe it,

  If you can see her. Her Grace is a lone woman,

  And very rich, and if she take a fancy,

  She will do strange things. See her, at any hand.

  ’Slid, she may hap to leave you all she has!

  It is the Doctor’s fear.

  DAPPER: How will’t be done, then?

  160 FACE: Let me alone, take you no thought. Do you

  But say to me, ’ Captain, I’ll see her Grace’.

  DAPPER: Captain, I’ll see her Grace.

  FACE: Enough.

  One knocks without.

  SUBTLE: Who’s there?

  Anon! – [Aside to FACE] Conduct him forth by the back way-

  Sir, against one o’ clock prepare yourself;

  Till when, you must be fasting; only, take

  Three drops of vinegar in at your nose,

  Two at your mouth, and one at either ear;

  Then bathe your fingers’ ends and wash your eyes,

  To sharpen your five senses, and cry ’ hum’

  170 Thrice, and then ‘buzz’ as often; and then come.

  [Exit.]

  FACE: Can you remember this?

  DAPPER: I warrant you.

  FACE:Well then, away. ’Tis but your bestowing Some twenty nobles ‘mong her Grace’s servants, And put on a clean shirt. You do not know what grace her Grace may do you in clean linen.

  [Exeunt FACE and DAPPER.]

  I, iii [SUBTLE (within, to other clients):] Come in! Good wives, I pray you, forbear me now;

  Troth, I can do you no good till afternoon. –

  [Enter SUBTLE, followed by DRUGGER.]

  What is your name, say you? Abel Drugger?

  DRUGGER: Yes, sir.

  SUBTLE: A seller of tobacco?

  DRUGGER: Yes, sir.

  SUBTLE: Umph!

  Free of the Grocers?

  DRUGGER: Ay, an’t please you.

  SUBTLE: Well –

  Your business, Abel?

  DRUGGER: This, an’t please your worship:

  I am a young beginner, and am building

  Of a new shop, an’t like your worship, just

  At corner of a street. (Here’s the plot on ’t.)

  10 And I would know by art, sir, of your worship,

  Which way I should make my door, by necromancy;

  And where my shelves; and which should be for boxes,

  And which for pots. I would be glad to thrive, sir;

  And I was wished to your worship by a gentleman,

  One Captain Face, that says you know men’s planets,

  And their good angels, and their bad.

  SUBTLE: I do,

  If I do see ’em –

  [Enter FACE.]

  FACE: What! my honest Abel?

  Thou art well met here.

  DRUGGER: Troth, sir, I was speaking,

  Just as your worship came here, of your worship.

  20 I pray you, speak for me to Master Doctor.

  FACE: He shall do anything. Doctor, do you hear?

  This is my friend, Abel, an honest fellow;

  He lets me have good tobacco, and he does not

  Sophisticate it with sack-lees or oil,

  Nor washes it in muscadel and grains

  Nor buries it in gravel, under ground,

  Wrapped up in greasy leather, or pissed clouts,

  But keeps it in fine lily-pots that, opened,

&
nbsp; Smell like conserve of roses, or French beans.

  30 He has his maple block, his silver tongs,

  Winchester pipes, and fire of juniper:

  A neat, spruce, honest fellow, and no goldsmith.

  SUBTLE: He’s a fortunate fellow, that I am sure on.

  FACE: Already, sir, ha’ you found it? Lo thee, Abel!

  SUBTLE: And in right way toward riches –

  FACE: Sir!

  SUBTLE: This summer

  He will be of the clothing of his company, And next spring called to the scarlet, spend what he can.

  FACE: What, and so little beard?

  SUBTLE: Sir, you must think,

  He may have a receipt to make hair come.

  40 But he’ll be wise – preserve his youth – and fine for ’t;

  His fortune looks for him another way.

  FACE: ’Slid, Doctor, how canst thou know this so soon?

  I am amused at that.

  SUBTLE: By a rule, Captain,

  In metoposcopy, which I do work by;

  A certain star i’ the forehead, which you see not.

  Your chestnut or your olive-coloured face

  Does never fail, and your long ear doth promise.

  I knew ’t by certain spots, too, in his teeth,

  And on the nail of his Mercurial finger.

  50 FACE: Which finger’s that?

  SUBTLE: His little finger. Look.

  You were born upon a Wednesday?

  DRUGGER: Yes, indeed, sir.

  SUBTLE: The thumb, in chiromancy, we give Venus;

  The forefinger to Jove; the midst to Saturn;

  The ring to Sol; the least to Mercury,

  Who was the lord, sir, of his horoscope,

  His house of life being Libra; which foreshowed

  He should be a merchant, and should trade with balance.

  FACE: Why, this is strange! Is’t not, honest Nab?

  SUBTLE: There is a ship now coming from Ormus,

  60 That shall yield him such a commodity

  Of drugs – This is the west, and this the south?

  [Looking at the plan.]

  DRUGGER: Yes, sir.

  SUBTLE: And those are your two sides?

  DRUGGER: Ay, sir.

  SUBTLE: Make me your door then, south; your broad side, west;

  And on the east side of your shop, aloft,

  Write Mathlai, Tarmiel, and Baraborat;

  Upon the north part, Rael, Velel, Thiel

  They are the names of those Mercurial spirits

  That do fright flies from boxes.

  DRUGGER: Yes, sir.

  SUBTLE: And

  Beneath your threshold, bury me aloadstone

  70 To draw in gallants that wear spurs. The rest,

  They’ll seem to follow.

  FACE: That’s a secret, Nab!

  SUBTLE: And, on your stall, a puppet, with a vice,

  And a court-fucus, to call City-dames.

  You shall deal much with minerals.

  DRUGGER: Sir, I have,

  At home, already –

  SUBTLE: Ay, I know, you’ve arsenic,