Volpone and Other Plays Read online

bolt’s head: a long-necked vessel.

  cross-let: crucible.

  cucurbite: a distilling vessel.

  gripes egg: a vessel shaped like a vulture’s egg.

  lembek: a still.

  pelican: an alembic.

  (c) Processes

  ceration: softening hard substances.

  chrysopœia: the making of gold.

  chymia: alchemy.

  cibation: seventh stage in alchemy.

  citronize: to become yellow.

  cohabation: redistillation.

  digestion: preparation of substances by gentle heat.

  dulcify: to purify.

  inbibition: a bathing process associated with the tenth stage.

  inceration: softening to the consistency of wax.

  macerate: to steep.

  potate: liquified.

  projection: the twelfth and last stage in alchemy.

  putrefaction: the fifth stage in alchemy whereby impurities were removed by the use of moist heat.

  solution: the second stage in alchemy.

  spagyrica: the spagiric art; Paracelsian chemistry.

  sublimation: conversion into vapour through the agency of heat, and reconversion into solid through the agency of cold.

  LONDON,

  Printed by Thomas Snodham, for Walter Burre,

  and are to be fold by Iohn Stepneth, at the

  Weft-end of Paules.

  1612.

  Facsimile of the title-page of the first edition, the quarto of 1612.

  TO THE READER

  If thou beest more, thou art an understander, and then I trust thee. If thou art one that tak’st up, and but a pretender, beware at what hands thou receiv’st thy commodity; for thou wert never more fair in the way to be coz’ned than in this age in poetry, especially in plays: wherein now the concupiscence of jigs and dances so reigneth, as to run away from nature and be afraid of her is the only point of art that tickles the spectators. But how out of purpose and place do I name art, when the professors are grown so obstinate contemners of it, and presumers on their own naturals,

  10 as they are deriders of all diligence that way, and, by simple mocking at the terms when they understand not the things, think to get off wittily with their ignorance! Nay, they are esteemed the more learned and sufficient for this by the multitude, through their excellent vice of judgement. For they commend writers as they do fencers or wrestlers; who, if they come in robustiously and put for it with a great deal of violence, are received for the braver fellows; when many times their own rudeness is the cause of their disgrace, and a little touch of their adversary gives all that boisterous force the foil. I deny not but that these men who always seek

  20 to do more than enough may some time happen on some thing that is good and great – but very seldom, and when it comes, it doth not recompense the rest of their ill. It sticks out, perhaps, and is more eminent, because all is sordid and vile about it; as lights are more discerned in a thick darkness than a faint shadow. I speak not this out of a hope to do good on any man against his will; for I know, if it were put to the question of theirs and mine, the worse would find more suffrages, because the most favour common errors. But I give thee this warning, that there is a great difference between those that (to gain the opinion of copy) utter all they can,

  30 however unfitly, and those that use election and a mean. For it is only the disease of the unskillful to think rude things greater than polished, or scattered more numerous than composed.

  THE PERSONS OF THE PLAY

  SUBTLE, the Alchemist

  FACE, the House-keeper

  DOL COMMON, their Colleague

  DAPPER, a Clerk

  DRUGGER, a Tobacco-man

  LOVEWIT, Master of the House

  [SIR] EPICURE MAMMON, a Knight

  [PERTINAX] SURLY, a Gamester

  TRIBULATION [WHOLESOME], a Pastor of Amsterdam

  ANANIAS, a Deacon there

  KASTRIL, the Angry Boy

  DAME PLIANT, his sister, a Widow

  [PARSON]

  NEIGHBOURS

  OFFICERS

  MUTES

  The Scene:

  LONDON

  THE ARGUMENT

  T he sickness hot, a master quit, for fear,

  H is house in town, and left one servant there.

  E ase him corrupted, and gave means to know

  A Cheater and his punk, who now brought low,

  L eaving their narrow practice, were become

  C oz’ners at large; and only wanting some

  H ouse to set up, with him they here contract,

  E ach for a share, and all begin to act.

  M uch company they draw, and much abuse,

  10 I n casting figures, telling fortunes, news,

  S elling of flies, flat bawdry, with the Stone;

  T ill it, and they, and all in fume are gone.

  PROLOGUE

  Fortune, that favours fools, these two short hours

  We wish away, both for your sakes and ours,

  Judging spectators; and desire in place,

  To th’ author justice, to ourselves but grace.

  Our scene is London, ’ cause we would make known,

  No country’s mirth is better than our own.

  No clime breeds better matter for your whore,

  Bawd, squire, impostor, many persons more,

  Whose manners, now call’ d humours, feed the stage;

  10 And which have still been subject for the rage

  Or spleen of comic writers. Though this pen

  Did never aim to grieve, but better men,

  Howe’er the age he lives in doth endure

  The vices that she breeds, above their cure.

  But when the wholesome remedies are sweet,

  And, in their working, gain and profit meet,

  He hopes to find no spirit so much diseased,

  But will with such fair correctives be pleased.

  For here he doth not fear who can apply.

  20 If there be any that will sit so nigh

  Unto the stream, to look what it doth run,

  They shall find things, they’ d think, or wish, were done;

  They are so natural follies, but so shown,

  As even the doers may see, and yet not own.

  ACT ONE

  I, i [LOVEWIT’s house.]

  [Enter FACE, in a Captain’s uniform, with his sword drawn, and

  SUBTLE, with a vial, quarrelling, and followed by DOL COMMON.]

  FACE: Believe ’t, I will.

  SUBTLE: Thy worst. I fart at thee.

  DOL COMMON: Ha’ you your wits? Why, gentlemen! for love –

  FACE: Sirrah, I’ll strip you –

  SUBTLE: What to do? Lick figs

  Out at my –

  FACE: Rogue, rogue! – out of all your sleights.

  DOL COMMON: Nay, look ye, sovereign, general, are you madmen?

  SUBTLE: O, let the wild sheep loose. I’ll gum your silks

  With good strong water, an’ you come.

  DOL COMMON: Will you have

  The neighbours hear you? Will you betray all?

  Hark! I hear somebody.

  FACE: Sirrah –

  SUBTLE: I shall mar

  10 All that the tailor has made, if you approach.

  FACE: You most notorious whelp, you insolent slave,

  Dare you do this?

  SUBTLE: Yes, faith; yes, faith.

  FACE: Why! who

  Am I, my mongrel, who am I?

  SUBTLE: I’ll tell you,

  Since you know not yourself.

  FACE: Speak lower, rogue.

  SUBTLE: Yes. You were once (time’s not long past) the good, Honest, plain, livery-three-pound-thrum, that kept Your master’s worship’s house here in the Friars,

  For the vacations –

  FACE: Will you be so loud?

  SUBTLE: Since, by my means, translated suburbc-aptain.

  20 FACE: By your means, Doctor Dog!
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  SUBTLE: Within man’s memory,

  All this I speak of.

  FACE: Why, I pray you, have I

  Been countenanced by you, or you by me?

  Do but ’collect, sir, where I met you first.

  SUBTLE: I do not hear well.

  FACE: Not of this, I think it.

  But I shall put you in mind, sir; – at Pie-corner,

  Taking your meal of steam in, from cooks’ stalls,

  Where, like the father of hunger, you did walk

  Piteously costive, with your pinched-horn-nose,

  And your complexion of the Roman wash,

  30 Stuck full of black and melancholic worms,

  Like powder-corns shot at th’ artillery-yard.

  SUBTLE: I wish you could advance your voice a little.

  FACE: When you went pinned up in the several rags

  Y’ had raked and picked from dunghills, before day;

  Your feet in mouldy slippers, for your kibes;

  A felt of rug, and a thin threaden cloak,

  That scarce would cover your no–buttocks –

  SUBTLE: So, sir!

  FACE: When all your alchemy, and your algebra,

  Your minerals, vegetals, and animals,

  40 Your conjuring, coz’ ning, and your dozen of trades,

  Could not relieve your corpse with so much linen

  Would make you tinder, but to see a fire;

  I ga’ you count’ nance, credit for your coals,

  Your stills, your glasses, your materials;

  Built you a furnace, drew you customers,

  Advanced all your black arts; lent you, beside,

  A house to practise in –

  SUBTLE: Your master’s house!

  FACE: Where you have studied the more thriving skill

  Of bawdry since.

  SUBTLE: Yes, in your master’s house.

  50 You and the rats here kept possession.

  Make it not strange. I know you were one could keep

  The buttery–hatch still locked, and save the chippings,

  Sell the dole–beer to aqua vitae men,

  The which, together with your Christmas vails

  At post-and-pair, your letting out of counters,

  Made you a pretty stock, some twenty marks,

  And gave you credit to converse with cobwebs

  Here, since your mistress’ death hath broke up house.

  FACE: You might talk softlier, rascal.

  SUBTLE: No, you scarab,

  60 I’ll thunder you in pieces. I will teach you

  How to beware to tempt a Fury again

  That carries tempest in his hand and voice.

  FACE: The place has made you valiant.

  SUBTLE: No, your clothes.

  Thou vermin, have I ta’ en thee out of dung,

  So poor, so wretched, when no living thing

  Would keep thee company, but a spider or worse?

  Raised thee from brooms and dust and wat’ ring-pots?

  Sublimed thee, and exalted thee, and fixed thee

  I’ the third region, called our state of grace?

  70 Wrought thee to spirit, to quintessence, with pains

  Would twice have won me the Philosopher’s Work?

  Put thee in words and fashion? made thee fit

  For more than ordinary fellowships?

  Giv’n thee thy oaths, thy quarrelling dimensions?

  Thy rules to cheat at horse-race, cock-pit, cards,

  Dice, or whatever gallant tincture else?

  Made thee a second in mine own great art?

  And have I this for thanks! Do you rebel?

  Do you fly out i’ the projection?

  80 Would you be gone now?

  DOL COMMON: Gentlemen, what mean you?

  Will you mar all?

  SUBTLE: Slave, thou hadst had no name –

  DOL COMMON: Will you undo yourselves with civil war?

  SUBTLE: Never been known, past equi clibanum –

  The heat of horse–dung – under ground, in cellars,

  Or an ale-house darker than deaf John’s; been lost

  To all mankind, but laundresses and tapsters,

  Had not I been.

  DOL COMMON: Do you know who hears you, sovereign?

  FACE: Sirrah –

  DOL COMMON: Nay, general, I thought you were civil.

  FACE: I shall turn desperate, if you grow thus loud.

  90 SUBTLE: And hang thyself, I care not.

  FACE: Hang thee, collier,

  And all thy pots and pans, in picture I will,

  Since thou hast moved me –

  DOL COMMON [aside]: O, this ’ll o’ erthrow all.

  FACE: Write thee up bawd in Paul’s; have all thy tricks

  Of coz’ning with a hollow coal, dust, scrapings,

  Searching for things lost, with a sieve and shears,

  Erecting figures in your rows of houses,

  And taking in of shadows with a glass,

  Told in red letters; and a face cut for thee,

  Worse than Gamaliel Ratsey’s.

  DOL COMMON: Are you sound?

  100 Ha’ you your senses, masters?

  FACE: I will have

  A book, but barely reckoning thy impostures,

  Shall prove a true Philosopher’s Stone to printers.

  SUBTLE: Away, you trencher-rascal!

  FACE: Out, you dog-leech!

  The vomit of all prisons –

  DOL COMMON: Will you be

  Your own destructions, gentlemen?

  FACE: Still spewed out

  For lying too heavy o’ the basket.

  SUBTLE: Cheater!

  FACE: Bawd!

  SUBTLE: Cow–herd!

  FACE: Conjurer!

  SUBTLE: Cut–purse!

  FACE: Witch!

  DOL COMMON: O me!

  We are ruined! lost! Ha’ you no more regard

  To your reputations? Where’s your judgement? ’Slight,

  110 Have yet some care of me, o’ your republic –

  FACE: Away this brach! I’ll bring thee, rogue, within

  The statute of sorcery, tricesimo tertio

  Of Harry the Eight: ay, and perhaps thy neck

  Within a noose, for laund’ ring gold and barbing it.

  DOL COMMON: You’ll bring your head within a coxcomb, will you?

  She catcheth out FACE’S sword, and breaks SUBTLE’S glass.

  And you, sir, with your menstrue! – Gather it up.

  ’Sdeath, you abominable pair of stinkards,

  Leave off your barking, and grow one again,

  Or, by the light that shines, I’ll cut your throats.

  120 I’ll not be made a prey unto the marshal

  For ne’er a snarling dog–bolt o’ you both.

  Ha’ you together cozened all this while,

  And all the world, and shall it now be said,

  You’ve made most courteous shift to cozen yourselves?

  [To FACE] You will accuse him! You will bring him in

  Within the statute! Who shall take your word?

  A whoreson, upstart, apocryphal Captain,

  Whom not a Puritan in Blackfriars will trust

  So much as for a feather! [To SUBTLE] And you, too,

  130 Will give the cause, forsooth? You will insult,

  And claim a primacy in the divisions?

  You must be chief? As if you only had

  The powder to project with? and the work

  Were not begun out of equality?

  The venture tripartite? All things in common?

  Without priority? ’Sdeath! you perpetual curs,

  Fall to your couples again, and cozen kindly,

  And heartily, and lovingly, as you should,

  And lose not the beginning of a term,

  140 Or, by this hand, I shall grow factious too,

  And take my part, and quit you.

  FACE: ’T is his fault;

  He ever murmurs, an
d objects his pains,

  And says the weight of all lies upon him.

  SUBTLE: Why, so it does.

  DOL COMMON: How does it? Do not we

  Sustain our parts?

  SUBTLE: Yes, but they are not equal.

  DOL COMMON: Why, if your part exceed today, I hope

  Ours may tomorrow match it.

  SUBTLE: Ay, they may.

  DOL COMMON: May, murmuring mastiff? Ay, and do. Death on me!

  Help me to throttle him.

  [Seizes SUBTLE by the throat.]

  SUBTLE: Dorothy! Mistress Dorothy!

  150 ’Ods precious, I’ll do anything. What do you mean?

  DOL COMMON: Because o’ your fermentation and cibation!

  SUBTLE: Not I, by Heaven –

  DOL COMMON: Your Sol and Luna – [To FACE] Help me.

  SUBTLE: Would I were hanged then! I’ll conform myself.

  DOL COMMON: Will you, sir? Do so then, and quickly! Swear.

  SUBTLE: What should I swear?

  DOL COMMON: To leave your faction, sir,

  And labour kindly in the common work.

  SUBTLE: Let me not breathe if I meant aught beside.

  I only used those speeches as a spur

  To him.

  DOL COMMON: I hope we need no spurs, sir. Do we?

  FACE: ’Slid, prove today who shall shark best.

  160 SUBTLE: Agreed.

  DOL COMMON: Yes, and work close and friendly.

  SUBTLE: ’Slight, the knot

  Shall grow the stronger for this breach, with me.

  DOL COMMON:Why, so, my good baboonsl Shall we go make

  A sort of sober, scurvy, precise neighbours,

  That scarce have smiled twice sin’ the king came in,

  A feast of laughter at our follies? – rascals,

  Would run themselves from breath, to see me ride,

  Or you t’ have but a hole to thrust your heads in,

  For which you should pay ear-rent? No, agree.

  170 And may Don Provost ride a-feasting long,

  In his old velvet jerkin and stained scarfs,

  My noble sovereign, and worthy general,

  Ere we contribute a new crewel garter

  To his most worsted worship.

  SUBTLE: Royal Dol!

  Spoken like Claridiana, and thyself.

  FACE: For which at supper, thou shalt sit in triumph,

  And not be styled Dol Common, but Dol Proper,

  Dol Singular; the longest cut at night

  Shall draw thee for his Dol Particular.

  [Bell rings without.]

  180 SUBTLE: Who’s that? One rings. To the window, Dol! – Pray heav’ n

  The master do not trouble us this quarter.