Volpone and Other Plays Read online

  Worth nought. Your fortunes may make me a man,

  As mine ha’ preserved you a woman. Think upon it,

  And whether I have deserved you or no.

  DAME PLIANT: I will, sir.

  SURLY: And for these household-rogues, let me alone To treat with them.

  [Enter SUBTLE.]

  SUBTLE: How doth my noble Diego,

  And my dear madam Countess? Hath the Count

  Been courteous, lady, liberal and open?

  20 Donzel, methinks you look melancholic,

  After your coitum, and scurvy! Truly,

  I do not like the dullness of your eye;

  It hath a heavy cast, ’tis upsee Dutch,

  And says you are a lumpish whore-master.

  Be lighter, I will make your pockets so.

  He falls to picking of them.

  SURLY: Will you, Don Bawd and Pick-purse?

  [Knocking him down.]

  How now! Reel you?

  Stand up, sir, you shall find, since I am so heavy,

  I’ll gi’ you equal weight.

  SUBTLE: Help! murder!

  SURLY: No, sir,

  There’s no such thing intended. A good cart

  30 And a clean whip shall ease you of that fear.

  I am the Spanish Don that should be cozened,

  Do you see? Cozened? Where’s your Captain Face,

  That parcel-broker, and whole-bawd, all rascal?

  [Enter FACE in his Captains uniform.]

  FACE: How, Surly!

  SURLY: O, make your approach, good Captain.

  I’ve found from whence your copper rings and spoons

  Come now, wherewith you cheat abroad in taverns.

  ’Twas here you learned t’ anoint your boot with brimstone,

  Then rub men’s gold on’t for a kind of touch,

  And say ’twas naught, when you had changed the colour,

  40 That you might ha’t for nothing. And this Doctor,

  Your sooty, smoky-bearded compeer, he

  Will close you so much gold, in a bolt’s-head,

  And, on a turn, convey i’ the stead another

  With sublimed mercury, that shall burst i’ the heat,

  And fly out all in fumo! Then weeps Mammon;

  Then swoons his worship. Or, he is the Faustus,

  [Exit FACE, quietly.]

  That casteth figures and can conjure, cures

  Plagues, piles, and pox, by the ephemerides,

  And holds intelligence with all the bawds

  50 And midwives of three shires; while you send in –

  Captain! –What! is he gone? –damsels with child,

  Wives that are barren, or the waiting-maid

  With the green sickness.

  [Seizes SUBTLE as he is escaping.]

  - Nay, sir, you must tarry,

  Though he be ’scaped; and answer by the ears, sir.

  [Re-enter FACE with KASTRIL.] IV, VII

  [FACE:] Why, now’s the time, if ever you will quarrel

  Well, as they say, and be a true-born child.

  The Doctor and your sister both are abused.

  KASTRIL: Where is he? Which is he? He is a slave.

  Whate’er he is, and the son of a whore. –Are you

  The man, sir, I would know?

  SURLY: I should be loath, sir,

  To confess so much.

  KASTRIL: Then you lie i’ your throat.

  SURLY: How!

  FACE [to KASTRIL]: A very arrant rogue, sir, and a cheater,

  Employed here by another conjurer

  10 That does not love the Doctor, and would cross him,

  If he knew how.

  SURLY: Sir, you are abused.

  KASTRIL: You lie:

  And ‘tis no matter.

  FACE: Well said, sir! He is

  The impudent’st rascal –

  SURLY: You are indeed. Will you hear me, sir?

  FACE: By no means. Bid him be gone.

  KASTRIL: Begone, sir, quickly.

  SURLY: This’s strange! –Lady, do you inform your brother.

  FACE: There is not such a foist in all the town.

  The Doctor had him presently; and finds yet

  The Spanish Count will come here. –[aside] Bear up, Subtle.

  SUBTLE: Yes, sir, he must appear within this hour.

  20 FACE: And yet this rogue would come in a disguise,

  By the temptation of another spirit,

  To trouble our art, though he could not hurt it.

  KASTRIL: Ay,

  I know -[To his sister] Away, you talk like a foolish mauther.

  SURLY: Sir, all is truth she says.

  FACE: DO not believe him, sir.

  He is the lying’st swabber! Come your ways, sir.

  SURLY: You are valiant out of company!

  EASTRIL: Yes, how then, sir?

  [Enter DRUGGER with a piece of damask.]

  FACE: Nay, here’s an honest fellow, too, that knows him,

  And all his tricks. – [Aside to DRUGGER] Make good what I say,

  Abel;

  This cheater would ha’ cozened thee o’ the widow. –

  30 He owes this honest Drugger here seven pound,

  He has had on him in twopenny’orths of tobacco.

  DRUGGER: Yes,, sir. And’s damned himself three terms to pay me.

  FACE: And what does he owe for lotion?

  DRUGGER: Thirty shillings, sir;

  And for six syringes.

  SURLY: Hydra of villainy!

  FACE: Nay, sir, you must quarrel him out o’ the house.

  KASTRIL: I will.

  – Sir, if you get not out o’ doors, you lie;

  And you are a pimp.

  SURLY: Why, this is madness, sir,

  Not valour in you. I must laugh at this.

  KASTRIL: It is my humour; you are a pimp and a trig,

  40 And an Amadis de Gaul, or a Don Quixote

  DRUGGBR: Or a knight o’ the curious coxcomb, do you see?

  [Enter ANANIAS.]

  ANANIAS: Peace to the household!

  KASTRIL: I’ll keep peace tor no man.

  ANANIAS: Casting of dollars is concluded lawful.

  KASTRIL: Is he the Constable?

  SUBTLE: Peace, Ananias.

  FACE: No, sir.

  KASTRIL: Then you are an otter, and a shad, a whit,

  A very tim.

  SURLY: You’ll hear me, sir?

  KASTRIL: I will not.

  ANANIAS: What is the motive?

  SUBTLE: Zeal in the young gentleman,

  Against his Spanish slops.

  ANANIAS: They are profane,

  Lewd, superstitious, and idolatrous breeches.

  SURLY: New rascals!

  KASTRIL: Will you be gone, sir?

  50 ANANIAS: Avoid, Satan!

  Thou art not of the light! That ruff of pride

  About thy neck betrays thee, and is the same

  With that which the unclean birds, in seventy-seven,

  Were seen to prank it with on divers coasts:

  Thou look’st like Antichrist, in that lewd hat.

  SURLY: I must give way.

  KASTRIL: Be gone, sir.

  SURLY: But I’ll take

  A course with you –

  ANANIAS: Depart, proud spanish fiend!

  SURLY: Captain and Doctor –

  ANANIAS: Child of perdition!

  KASTRIL: Hence, sir! –

  [Exit SURLY.]

  Did I not quarrel bravely?

  FACE: Yes, indeed, sir.

  KASTRIL: Nay, an’ I give my mind to’t, I shall do’t. 90

  FACE: O, you must follow, sir, and threaten him tame.

  He’ll turn again else.

  KASTRIL: I’ll re-turn him then.

  [Exit.]

  FACE: Drugger, this rogue prevented us, for thee.

  We had determined that thou should’st ha’ come

  In a Spanish suit, and ha’ carried her so; and he,


  A brokerly slave, goes, puts it on himself.

  Hast brought the damask?

  DRUGGER: Yes, sir.

  FACE: Thou must borrow

  A Spanish suit. Hast thou no credit with the players?

  DRUGGER: Yes, sir; did you never see me play the Fool?

  70 FACE: I know not, Nab. – [Aside] Thou shalt, if I can help it. –

  Hieronimo’s old cloak, ruff, and hat will serve;

  I’ll tell thee more when thou bring’st ’em.

  [Exit DRUGGER.]

  ANANIAS: Sir, I know

  The Spaniard hates the Brethren, and hath spies

  Upon their actions; and that this was one

  I make no scruple. – But the Holy Synod

  Have been in prayer and meditation for it;

  And ’tis revealed no less to them than me,

  That casting of money is most lawful.

  SUBTLE hath whispered with him this while.

  SUBTLE: True.

  But here I cannot do it; if the house

  80 Should chance to be suspected, all would out,

  And we be locked up in the Tower for ever,

  To make gold there for th’ state, never come out

  And then you are defeated.

  ANANIAS: I will tell

  This to the elders and the weaker Bredthren,

  That the whole company of the Separation

  May join in humble prayer again.

  SUBTLE: And fasting.

  ANANIAS: Yea, for some fitter place. The peace of mind

  Rest with these walls!

  SUBTLE: Thanks, courteous Ananias.

  [Exit ANANIAS.]

  FACE: What did he come for?

  SUBTLE: About casting dollars,

  90 Presently, out of hand. And so I told him,

  A Spanish minister came here to spy

  Against the faithful –

  FACE: I conceive. Come, Subtle,

  Thou art so down upon the least disaster!

  How wouldst thou ha’ done, if I had not helped thee out?

  SUBTLE: I thank thee, Face, for the angry boy, i’ faith.

  FACE: Who would ha’ looked it should ha’ been that rascal

  Surly? He had dyed his beard and all. Well, sir,

  Here’s damask come to make you a suit.

  SUBTLE: Where’s Drugger?

  FACE: He is gone to borrow me a Spanish habit;

  I’ll be the Count now.

  SUBTLE: But where’s the widow?

  FACE: Within, with my Lord’s sister; Madam Dol 100

  Is entertaining her.

  SUBTLE: By your favour, Face,

  Now she is honest, I will stand again.

  FACE: You will not offer it!

  SUBTLE: Why?

  FACE: Stand to your word,

  Or – here comes Dol! – she knows –

  SUBTLE: Y’ are tyrannous still.

  [Enter DOL hurriedly.]

  FACE: – Strict for my right. – How now, Dol! Hast told her

  The Spanish Count will come?

  DOL COMMON: Yes, but another is come,

  You little looked for!

  FACE: Who’s that?

  DOL COMMON: Your master,

  The master of the house.

  SUBTLE: How, Dol!

  FACE: She lies,

  110 This is some trick. Come, leave your quiblins, Dorothy.

  DOL COMMON: Look out and see.

  [FACE goes to the window.]

  SUBTLE: Art thou in earnest?

  DOL COMMON: ’Slight,

  Forty o’ the neighbours are about him, talking.

  FACE: ’Tis he, by this good day.

  DOL COMMON: ’Twill prove ill day

  For some on us.

  FACE: We are undone, and taken.

  DOL COMMON: Lost, I’ m afraid.

  SUBTLE: You said he would not come,

  While there Died one a week within the liberties.

  FACE: No: ’twas within the walls.

  SUBTLE: Was’t so? Cry you mercy.

  I thought the liberties. What shall we do now, Face?

  FACE: Be silent: not a word, if he call or knock.

  120 I’ll into mine old shape again and meet him,

  Of Jeremy, the butler. I’ the meantime,

  Do you two pack up all the goods and purchase

  That we can carry i’ the two trunks. I’ll keep him

  Off for today, if I cannot longer, and then

  At night, I’ll ship you both away to Ratcliff,

  Where we will meet tomorrow, and there we’ll share.

  Let Mammon’s brass and pewter keep the cellar;

  We’ll have another time for that. But, Dol,

  ’ Pray thee go heat a little water quickly;

  130 Subtle must shave me. All my Captain’s beard

  Must off, to make me appear smooth Jeremy.

  You’ll do’t?

  SUBTLE: Yes, I’ll shave you as well as I can.

  FACE: And not cut my throat, but trim me?

  SUBTLE: You shall see, sir.

  [Exeunt.]

  ACT FIVE

  v,i [SCENE ONE]

  [Outside Lovewit’s house.]

  [Enter LOVEWIT with a Crowd of NEIGHBOURS.]

  [LOVEWIT:] Has there been such resort, say you?

  1 ST NEIGHBOUR: Daily, sir.

  2 ND NEIGHBOUR: And nightly, too.

  3 RD NEIGHBOUR: Ay, some as brave as lords.

  4 TH NEIGHBOUR: Ladies and gentlewomen.

  5 TH NEIGHBOUR: Citizens’ wives.

  1 ST NEIGHBOUR: And knights.

  6 TH NEIGHBOUR: In coaches.

  2 ND NEIGHBOUR: Yes, and oyster-

  women.

  1 ST NEIGHBOUR: Beside other gallants.

  3 RD NEIGHBOUR: Sailors’ wives.

  4 TH NEIGHBOUR: Tobacco-

  men.

  5 TH NEIGHBOUR: Another Pimlico!

  LOVEWIT: What should my knave advance,

  To draw this company? He hung out no banners

  Of a strange calf with five legs to be seen,

  Or a huge lobster with six claws?

  6 TH NEIGHBOUR: No, sir.

  3 RD NEIGHBOUR: We had gone in then, sir.

  10 LOVEWIT: He has no gift

  Of teaching i’ the nose that e’ er I knew of.

  You saw no bills set up that promised cure

  Of agues or the tooth-ache?

  2 ND NEIGHBOUR: No such thing, sir!

  LOVEWIT: Nor heard a drum struck for baboons or puppets?

  5 TH NEIGHBOUR: Neither, sir.

  LOVEWIT: What device should he bring forth now?

  I love a teeming wit as I love my nourishment.

  ’ Pray God he ha’ not kept such open house,

  That he hath sold my poem0s, and my bedding!

  I left him nothing else. If he have eat ’em,

  20 A plague o’ the moth, say I! Sure he has got

  Some bawdy pictures to call all this ging:

  The Friar and the Nun, or the new motion

  Of the knight’s courser covering the parson’s mare;

  The boy of six year old, with the great thing;

  Or ’t may be, he has the fleas that run at tilt

  Upon a table, or some dog to dance.

  When saw you him?

  1 ST NEIGHBOUR: Who, sir, Jeremy?

  2 ND NEIGHBOUR: Jeremy butler?

  We saw him not this month.

  LOVEWIT: How!

  4 TH NEIGHBOUR: Not these five weeks, sir.

  1 ST NEIGHBOUR: These six weeks, at the least.

  LOVEWIT: You amaze me neighbours!

  30 5 TH NEIGHBOUR: Sure, if your worship know not where he is,

  He’s slipped away.

  6 TH NEIGHBOUR: Pray God he be not made away.

  LOVEWIT: Ha! It’s no time to question, then.

  He knocks.

  6 TH NEIGHBOUR: About

  Some three weeks since I heard a doleful cry,

  As
I sat up a-mending my wife’s stockings.

  LOVEWIT: This’s strange that none will answer! Did’st thou hear

  A cry, sayst thou?

  6 TH NEIGHBOUR: Yes, sir, like unto a man

  That had been strangled an hour, and could not speak.

  2 ND NEIGHBOUR: I heard it, too, just this day three weeks, at two

  o’ clock

  Next morning.

  LOVEWIT: These be miracles, or you make ’em so!

  40 A man an hour strangled, and could not speak,

  And both you heard him cry?

  3 RD NEIGHBOUR: Yes, downward, sir.

  LOVEWIT: Thou art a wise fellow. Give me thy hand, I pray thee.

  What trade art thou on?

  3 RD NEIGHBOUR: A smith, an’t please your worship.

  LOVEWIT: A smith! Then lend me thy help to get this door open.

  3 RD NEIGHBOUR: That I will presently, sir, but fetch my tools –

  [Exit.]

  1 ST NEIGHBOUR: Sir, best to knock again afore you break it.

  V,ii [LOVEWIT (knocks again):] I will.

  [Enter FACE in his butler’s livery.]

  FACE: What mean you, sir?

  1 ST, 2 ND, 4 TH NEIGHBOURS: O, here’s

  Jeremy!

  FACE: Good sir, come from the door.

  LOVEWIT: Why, what’s the matter?

  FACE: Yet farther, you are too near yet.

  LOVEWIT: I’ the name of wonder,

  What means the fellow!

  FACE: The house, sir, has been visited.

  LOVEWIT: What, with the plague? Stand thou then farther.

  FACE: No, sir,

  I had it not.

  LOVEWIT: Who had it then? I left

  None else but thee i’ the house.

  FACE: Yes, sir, my fellow,

  The cat that kept the buttery, had it on her

  A week before I spied it; but I got her

  Conveyed away i’ the night; and so I shut

  The house up for a month –

  LOVEWIT: How!

  FACE: Purposing then, sir,

  T’have burnt rose-vinegar, treacle, and tar,

  And ha’ made it sweet, that you should ne’er ha’ known it;

  Because I knew the news would but afflict you, sir.

  LOVEWIT: Breathe less, and farther off! Why this is stranger:

  The neighbours tell me all here that the doors

  Have still been open –

  FACE: How, sir!

  LOVEWIT: Gallants, men and women,

  And of all sorts, tag-rag, been seen to flock here

  In threaves, these ten weeks, as to a second Hogsden,

  20 In days of Pimlico and Eye-bright.

  FACE: Sir,

  Their wisdoms will not say so.

  LOVEWIT: Today they speak

  Of coaches and gallants. One in a French hood

  Went in, they tell me; and another was seen

  In a velvet gown at the window. Divers more